Confessions of a Fearful Heart: Navigating Love and Desire with My Best Friend

Jamie was like no other guy I knew, and in all honesty I can’t decide if I like him in a sexual way or not. Ever since I met him we’d been good friends, I could tell him anything and knew he wouldn’t care, wouldn’t judge me, he knew my past, my abilities, there was probably nothing he didn’t know.

Months before he’d asked me out but I couldn’t do it, I liked him, but as a friend, these days I’m not so sure. He keeps trying to get me as his girlfriend and I keep shying away from the question, but now I just don’t know, something inside me rears its head when I think of doing things with him. Before the thought of him touching me, even holding my hand made me panic, feel repulsed and I backed away.

“I’m scared,” I whispered into his shoulder as he held me close, the musky scent of his skin caressing my senses, his fingertips edging toward the centre of my back, the rain sticking my punk styled faux hawk to my scalp, the wind off the sea making it hard to stand on the cliff top.

“Don’t be. I promise I’m not like him. I’ll never be like him.”

There was now only one thing stopping us, stopping me, from taking this from this dusky, wet cliff top back to the hotel room up the street; my psychotic ex boyfriend. The guy who had scarred my so badly eight years ago, it had taken until tonight to even let Jamie hold me close, to finally let his gentle touch caress my arms down to my palms, to let him entwine his fingers round mine.

“It will be fine. I promise.”

Dropping his hand I begin to pace, back and forth in front of the beautiful sun setting behind us, over the whale bone arch we’d spend the last few moments cuddling under. My eyes not daring to look at him, not wanting to see the hurt look in his eyes. “My heart says I love you. My body says I want to feel you inside me. My brain says you’re going to hurt me. I don’t know if I can let you do that.”

Knowing I wouldn’t panic like I used he grabbed out for my hand, stopping me mid pace. I looked up into his eyes and saw everything, seeing that he was true and wouldn’t hurt me, seeing that if I was unhappy with something he would stop, unlike my ex did so long ago when he attempted to push me into something I wasn’t yet ready for. He didn’t need to say a single word, his face told it all, and I felt myself relax again him, my head ending up resting against his chest.

“I love you,” he mumbled against my hair, his lips brushing against my forehead. I looked up at him and smiled, “I love you too.” His lips creased into a smile, and then he lent forward touching them onto mine, the sweet moistness tingling through me. Letting the tender kiss subside, he allowed one of my hands to drop to my side and began pulling me along the street with the other, I didn’t object; just let him pull me back toward our hotel.

Inserting the room key into the lock I nudged the door open with my hip, towing Jamie in behind me. The door clicked shut behind us, swivelling me round, he pressed me up against the door, his towering 6 foot form bent to reach down to my ear, “I promise, if you want me to stop I will. Sex isn’t everything.” I nodded, my cheek rubbing against the stubble on his chin.

I could feel his breath against my ear, gentle butterfly kisses made their way down my cheekbone, hovering on my lips and then continuing to trail down the side of my neck. I sighed in pleasure as he reached my collarbone, running my hands round his waist and pulling him closer as his fingers slid down the edge of the waist band of my skirt dislodging the bottom of my top, palms progressing to slide up and over the flesh of my hipbones.

As he twists me round from the door, I can feel his hardness push against me, expertly lifting my top over my head and simultaneously backing me towards the bed. Hands still resting on my hips he pushed me down onto the soft mattress. With eagerness I pull his trousers down as I go down, leaving him to pull off his t-shirt and throw it to the floor.

With one hand on my chest he forces me backwards, my back flat on the bed, feet still on the floor. Kneeling in front of me he let his fingers trail down my stomach, circling my belly button and down the outside of my thighs to my knees. “Please. Give me more. Please.” I beg of him, groaning as his tongue travels up the inside of my thighs, his thumbs pushing the hem of my skirt up to reveal my thin black pants, his tongue so close to my most sensitive area. I roughly run my hands through his hair, arching my back, knowing he will know just how much I want him to touch me.

I can’t help but give a few breathy sighs as his thumbs graze my labia, softly hooking into the material of my pants to ease them down over my thighs. Tossing them to the side he runs his hands round my feet, caressing the arch for a few minutes before moving up my calves, edging slowly up the outside of my body, firmly pressing as he grasps by hips, pulling me right onto the edge of the bed.

This time I’m arching my back in pure ecstasy as his tongue seeks out my clit, flicking against what he already knew was my most orgasm inducing spot. One hand tenderly fondled my slit at the same time, probing in the moistness that was already forming, fingers driving further in with each thrust and twist while his other hand travelled up my torso to investigate my boobs, pushing underneath the wire of my bra and flipping it up out of the way of his exploration, his thumb began to circle my nipple, goose bumps appearing all over my skin from his embrace.

I can’t take much more and let loose a moan, I feel more than hear him giggle against the skin of my thighs as I lose control of the overwhelming passion, letting my liquids follow over his still probing fingers, the orgasm causing my muscles to seize and them spasm out of submission, the sensation of his tongue eager to clean up the mess sending ripples of the subsiding climax pulsing though even inch of me.

Still reeling from the first orgasm, he let me get my breath back for a few seconds while he stood and removed his plain black boxers and tossed them on top of my pants, eager to carry on he leant over me, roughly kissing my lips, nuzzling my neck, biting my ear, “ok?” All I could do was whimper and moan at his whispered question as he reached behind me to unclasp the bra which was currently pushed up under my chin.

Taking my breathy sounds as a “yes” he returned to a standing position stretching out the stiffness in his arms and neck from his previous positioning before lifting my legs so they rested on his muscular shoulders and gradually eased his 7 inches into my still throbbing pussy.

I gasped out in both pleasure and pain as his balls hit against my legs, his length firmly lodged inside my tight hole. Slowly he began working his hips, soft thrusts allowing me to get accustomed to this foreign feeling, I was used to toys, I’d used them for years, but the feeling of this entirely live entity was completely new. As my body adjusted the wave of pain dissipated replaced with that of pleasure, as I called out his name and curled the bed sheets in my fists he began to gain pace. The pressure was building up inside me again and I could feel my muscles tightening everywhere, he could see me tensing and slowed down, teasing me. Not wanting me to cum quite yet.

“Fuck me, please, just...” Not waiting for me to finish the sentence he increased the tempo again, plunging himself deep inside me with each movement. I could feel the cum jostling inside, aching to let loose. Muscles already taught, I couldn’t wait any longer, screaming “I’m gonna cum” at Jamie, I exploded, my second orgasm ten times as strong as my first, forcing his cock out of my pussy, my cum flowing freely over the bed, my body totally out of my control.

Totally beat and shaking from the intensity, I couldn’t leave him hanging, he’d made me cum twice, least I could do was help him finish. Forcing myself up with every ounce of energy I had left, I rose to my feet and then dropped to my knees, his hands grasping mine to stop me falling. Running my tongue down his shaft I heard him moan out loud, a deep guttural moan that made me want him to bury his dick inside me again. I knew he was so close to the edge but I didn’t realise how close, tracing my tongue round the tip of his cock one last time, he released his load into my mouth, cum running down my chin dribbling onto my breasts.

Falling back against the bed unable to keep my muscles steady any longer, my ass landed on the floor, head lolling backwards, I shut my eyes, just trying to reclaim some energy to move again. I didn’t even know he’d crouched beside me until his tender lips touched mine, his own fluids smearing on his face as well as my own.

“I love you” I whispered too him as he pulled away, inserting his hands under my armpits and lifted me onto the bed, letting me flop back on the pillows, then climbing up beside me, wrapping his arms around my clammy skin.

“I love you too. Now sleep.” He murmured in my ear as I drifted off into unconsciously. “I want you ready for round two when you wake up.”