Childhood Trauma and Unrequited Desire

I guess I should start off by saying this is all true, at least to the best of my memory and happened 31 years ago .This experience first happened when I was 12 years old. I’m married to a beautiful woman, have been for more than 20 years, with two grown children.
I had a cousin I will call Jim that was 3 years older than me. He and I didn’t get along very well back then and seemed to fight all the time. I always won the fights even though I was much smaller and younger than him, but he was always starting crap with me for some reason. I had to stay the weekend with him and my aunt and uncle for reasons unknown to me. We didn’t talk much the whole first day, just watched a lot of television. My aunt came in the living room and told us it was time for bed. Her bedroom was on the opposite end of the house from his. I was told I would have to sleep in his room witch totally pissed me off. I walk into his room and there is only his small bed and a chair. I asked him where the hell am I supposed to sleep in the chair. He says no the bed but, you have to sleep against the wall. I tell him whatever and strip down to my tightey whiteys and crawl into bed. He strips down to his underwear too and I can’t help but notice to bulge he has. It looked ridiculous like he had rolled up a tube sock and stuffed it into his underwear. I pretend not to notice and roll over facing the wall and try to fall asleep as fast as possible. I fell asleep pretty fast thank goodness.
Sometime during the night I was woken up. I was a little confused and didn’t move at first. I then realized he was pushing down on my chin with his thumb and forcing his huge dick in and out of my mouth. I would guess it to be7or 8inches and as big around as my wrist. It was way bigger than what I had. He removed his thumb and very slow and easy fucked my mouth. I was in total shock and didn’t know what to do, so I just let it happen for a couple of minutes. I couldn’t believe he was doing this to me but ,even more so I couldn’t believe I was enjoying it and had a hard on. He started to breath heavy and started moaning slightly. I panicked and rolled over and pretended to sleep. I guess nothing else happened that night.
The next morning we woke up, he just smiled at me and we went and ate breakfast. Nothing was said the rest of the day about it, but he treated me like I was his best friend. We ended up playing together the rest of the day till dinner. We went in ate then it was shower time. I went in first and showered. I had just turned the water off and he just barged in the bathroom. I asked him what the hell he was doing. He said it’s no big deal, he needed to hurry and shower so he could watch a t.v. show that started soon. He then stripped down. I was drying off and stepped out of the shower when he pulled his underwear off. I stared in shock. I couldn’t believe how big his dick was. Then I thought I can’t believe that thing fit in my mouth. He wasn’t even hard and it was 3 times the size of mine. I got dressed in a hurry not wanting him to see me get a hard on. He just smiled as he rushed past me to shower.
We watched some t.v until I got tired and said I was going to bed. He said yeah he was tired too. I stripped down to my underwear as he came into the room and stripped down. I crawled into bed, turned to face the wall and tried to fell asleep as fast as I could. All I could think about was how big his dick was and how he had put that monster into my mouth the night before. I finally fell asleep with a hard on but, not really understanding the feelings I was having. I was only 12 and had no sexual experience at all until this happened. Sometime during the night I was woken up but didn’t move. I was facing the wall and he was doing something to my butt. It took me a second to realize he was fingering me. It hurt at first but soon started feeling good. He just kept fingering me and moving his finger all around inside of me. I was really getting turned on. He would hit a spot inside me I would later learn was my prostrate. Every time he would touch that spot it made me feel like I was going to pee the bed. He started going faster and harder but, I never moved a muscle. I couldn’t believe it but, I was really starting to like what he was doing, then he stopped. I was disappointed until I felt him move in the bed getting closer to me. Then I felt something else moving around my butt. That’s when I got scared. He was trying to push that monster of his into me. He was able to line it up just right and the head of his dick started to push into me spreading my hole open and was really hurting. Thank goodness he didn’t know about lubing it up first because, it wouldn’t go in any further. If it would have gone all the way in it would have really messed my ass up. He tried for a couple of minutes pushing really hard then stopped. I must have made a sound or something because he whispered my name and asked if I was awake. I didn’t respond so he lightly grabbed my shoulder and rolled me over facing him then slid me down in the bed some. I didn’t understand why at first, but it didn’t take me long too. He pushed my chin down and slid that fence post into my mouth. It had a bitter tasted at first but wasn’t all that bad. He started going really slow and easy at first. As he was doing this I had started to lightly suck on it, then he got forceful, pushing more and more into my mouth until he made me gag. As soon as I gagged he froze but stupid me, didn’t realize he was going to stop so fast and I was still lightly sucking on it. This really turned him on and he started pushing again and moaning. I panicked and pulled my head back and his dick came out of my mouth.
He froze for a moment then asked if I was awake. I didn’t respond. Instead of putting it back in my mouth he started to jerk himself off. It was only a few seconds and he really started to moan and something spurted onto my chin and all over my chest. He froze for a second then carefully slid just the head back into my mouth. There was something running out of him and into my mouth. I wasn’t sure what it was but, it was warm and salty and I sort of liked it. After that he rolled over and went to sleep.
I got out of bed and went into the bathroom to clean whatever that was off of me. It was white and thick and there was a lot of it. I crawled back into bed and it was soaked with the stuff. I had to sleep in what I would later find out was his cum. We got up the next morning and acted like nothing happened and I got picked up by my grandparents, who I lived with due to some terrible circumstances that aren’t worth mentioning. Like I said neither of ever said a word about it. Around a year or so later he came to stay the night with me and my grandparents. As that year had passed I had figured out about masturbation and was a pro at getting myself off. We had two couches and choose to sleep on them so we could watch t.v in the living room. We eventually got tired and turned off the t.v. I waited for ever hoping he was going to try something again but he didn’t. I decided I was going to do something. I whispered his name and shook him but he didn’t respond. I pulled my underwear down and slid my dick in his mouth. I pumped his mouth until I was ready to come then pulled out. I came all over the carpet then smeared then remaining cum on his lips and then slid back into his mouth to let him get a taste of it. He never moved so I pulled his covers back and he had a hard on that was sticking out of the top of his underwear and only about half of it was showing . Hell he had more poking out of his underwear than I had total. It looked like it had grown more over the last year. I went to bed and the next day he went back home with nothing being said about it.
We didn’t talk or see each other except the once a year family reunions until 4 years later. By this time I had a steady girlfriend was getting laid sort of regular and had no thoughts about what we had done in the past. He calls me out of the blue and wants to know if I want to go see a movie with him. I say ok. We go see a movie and everything seems normal. After the movie he wants to know if I want to go hang out at his place. It was a small trailer but was nice enough. He had a porn collection and we started to watch some movies. I was getting really horny and all those thoughts about what we had done came crashing back to me. I decide I should get going because it’s late. He says sense it’s so late I should just stay the night. I had to be up fairly early the next day and I really didn’t think it was a good idea but said ok.
He says he’s tired so he’s going to shower. I say me first. I shower and then crawl into his bed with just my underwear on. I figure I should just try to fall asleep. I couldn’t .He goes and showers then comes into the room in just his underwear as I pretend to be asleep .I can’t help but notice the bulge again. It is massive. He crawls in bed and I thought went to sleep. I’m lying there thinking about the stuff we did in the past and can’t help myself. I whisper hey Jimmy, you a sleep? No answer so I shake him. He’s lying on his side facing me. I shake him again and say Jimmy you asleep? No answer so, I slid under the covers toward the middle of the bed. I get my face in line with his dick and softly touch it through his underwear with my hand. He has a massive hard on but doesn’t move. I can’t believe I’m doing this but, I pull his underwear down to his knees, I think with some help from him rising up but don’t care. I just can’t think about anything but touching his log of a dick. I slowly jack him then decide to taste it. I slowly slid my mouth over his dick and realize it has to have grown even more. As I’m straining to suck his monster I pull my underwear down and position myself into a 69. I slowly push my dick into his mouth and start slowly pumping my hips but, he isn’t sucking. I think he must be asleep. I suck him for a few more minutes until my jaw can’t take it anymore. Then I get an idea. I wonder sense I’m older now if his fence post will fit in my ass? I know about lube now so I go into the bathroom, get a dab of shampoo and smear in into and around my bunghole. I crawl back into bed get his dick good and wet with my mouth and turn around and back up to him. I grab his dick and start to back up to it. As it touches my hole I push back just a little and start to force it into my virgin ass. As soon as the head starts to spread me open he thrusts forward and buries himself into me balls deep. The pain is horrible and I can’t move. I feel like I’m going to pass out. Thank goodness he doesn’t move either. I thought he would eventually but he doesn’t. Maybe out of fear I don’t know. I start to slide my hips back and forth and the feeling is indescribable. The pain is going away but I still feel like I have an arm jammed in my ass. I can’t get into the position so I slide off of him and roll him onto his back and get on top facing away from him and start to ride the monster. I am going slow as not wake him I guess, even though I know he’s awake. Every time I go down the fence post stuffed so tightly in my ass you couldn’t possibly fit a hair in my ass he hits my prostrate and forces a drop off come out of me. I am loving it but, I wish he would wake up and pound me with that bat of his but, he doesn’t. I start to get really sore and decide to try something different. I get off of him and as I do he turns over onto his stomach with his ass sticking up. I grab a condom out of my wallet and put it on for lubrication. I’m trying to push my dick into him but it just isn’t working. Its slipping all around his hole and bending but won’t go in. He was trying to help me by pushing so hard he farted. I laughed and kept pushing. I guess from all the pushing and sliding in the rubber I ended up cumming without ever getting in and turned over.
The next morning was awkward and I wanted to just come out and ask him if he wanted to try it all again while we were both awake but chickened out. I just got dressed, sore ass and all and went home.
We didn’t have much contact at all until I was 42. We both had gotten married and have kids. He divorced and gets his kids on the weekends. I raised mine and they are in college and out of the house. I only thought about those times on very rare occasions and never did anything like it sense then. Then one day out of the blue he calls me to see if I can help fix something at his house. I get the directions and head over. I didn’t think much about it all until we were squatting down in his yard and I see the outline of his dick going down his leg in is shorts. Then it all came flooding back. I asked him if he remembered those nights and he denied it all. I was upset and called him when I got home. He admitted to remembering some stuff but won’t admit he started it all. All he remembers is waking up with his underwear pulled down in his trailer.
We have talked about it a couple of times and I finally got the nerve to ask him if he would like to try it again. All he says is not at this time. I play it over and over in my head how it would feel to have him screw my brains out with that baseball bat of a dick but he won’t have anything to do with me now. I don’t consider myself gay and would never do anything like that with someone else. Why can’t I get these thoughts out of my head and why won’t he accept the chance for a free piece of almost virgin ass? He is the only person to ever put his dick in me and the only other dick I have sucked. He asked why I would want to do that being married to such a beautiful woman with so much to lose if we were to get caught. I can’t really answer that other than the fact that I would like to try it sense we are older, more experienced, we never really finished what he started and I can’t get the thought out of my head of that huge cock pounding my ass. I even told him I couldn’t see myself being a cock sucker but, I would suck him off. What the Hell Is Wrong With Me? Why won’t he do this? I told him it may be a one shot deal as I may not like it but, I don’t think that is true. Do I need help ?