Boy Crush: My Journey to Self-Discovery and First Love in San Diego

Some days after I lost the fight against John...I continued my life just the way it was ever since I moved in to San Diego, California...a boring day on school, doing homework...lots and lots of homework...hanging around with friends from my class....Alex and Mark's own "Messing Around"...and in one of these "messing around moments" Alex invited us to sleepover at his place...we took our opportunity of course...we played wii, Xbox, talked about the new upcoming PS4 and how we all were already sticking with Sony this time, that earned us some laughs, that's when the questions were mostly turned to things from the past...

"Who was your first crush?", "First Kiss! Tell us about it!", "When was the first time you jerked?"...I sincerely have no interest on talking about the past....from where I am standing...the past is something unecessary, expendable...after all everything is already gone....I killed several memories from the moment I got here...but of course...the questions were obviously turned to me..and Alex got the chance to ask me.

"Who was your first crush? BOY crush..." He asked...

Yeah I remember my first...almost-boyfriend...that's a story I can share after all...


-Brazil,Rio de Janeiro, July 2009-

Ok here we go...I always had a certain...atraction toward boys...specially some in my class, of course, at that time, all boys want to prove that they are tough, that's one of the few reasons why my mother, ever since I was little, encouraged me into signing up to special grups such as Archery, Parkour....and I'd give everything I had ever since...I was only 12 at the time but I understood the fact that if I do something wrong...mom would scold me until we got home...and of course, I didn't want that...

Anyway, I had a crush on a couple of guys at my school....Fernando, he was pretty, and a nice guy....but you can't get him angry....Matthews Luca, a cool guy and pretty, but no way he'd give in to a bi or gay guy...Thiago? Why not...he was a gay, already out of the closed and actually cute....but I actually doubt that he'd want anything to do with a guy like me...

Doubts like that made me walk around with my best friend at the time, his name is Lucas, short hair, Light brown, slender like I was, about my tall, however...he had something I could never forget....besides being my best friend...he had pretty...and I mean PRETTY eyes...they were green...with a bit of blue, and according to the light, the color would variate between Green and Blue, so he was never with bad eyes....I had him as a brother, we played, joked, talked about others, played games togheter and even shared moments that only the closest brothers shared, like seeing eachother naked, and changing togheter(with no one around of course) it was funny at the time, I actually thought to myself if I was actually falling in love with him...

"Hey...grow up...if he's your friend, he will accept the fact that...well...you like boys...maybe?" That's what I thought to myself everyday....on my bed, I'd always look at the mirror, trying to find something wrong on my way of being...the thing is...I was actually an introverted kid...girls from school used to say that I'd grow up as some crazy adult and kill everyone...I never gave much attention to it...but of course...I deserved that...I was basically an emotionless kid...walking around with black AllStar shoes, black jeans, the school's uniform shirt(which was obrigatory) and a black coat that looked like a greatcoat on me.

Lucas in fact was introverted too....at the beggining....then he started to let loose...talk to girls, make impressions of funny characters outloud in class, and I started following his lead, I'd whistle musics which actually had a whistling part, he'd congratulate me on the "EPICNESS!" which I actually thought that it was cool...to me, Lucas would actually lighten up my day if it was boring.

"That's it!" I was decided with my child's mind that I'd tell him who I actually was..."I AM BI" that's what I had to say...3 simple words...and I was so nervous....I came closer to him on our way home...what I said was obviously on my first language, portuguese, but I'll translate it to you...

"Hum...Lucas...." I said.

======================

"Awsome translating buttface..." Alex said, interrupting me.

"Hey, you want to hear the story or not?" I asked him

"Hey man! Shut up! I was enjoying it!" Mark said, disappointed.

"Nigga please...you were almost sleeping...after all, it's so depressive!" he said.

"You want to hear the rest of the story or not?" I asked.

"Of course I want..."he said.

"Then shut up!" Mark said throwing himself against Alex and shutting his mouth...I could hear only the techno beat of a remix of "Bulletproof"....low....really low....ok...I could continue...

=======================

"Hum...Lucas..." I said.

"Yeah?" he answered.

"I have something to tell you...." I said...a bit...nervous...

"What is it?" He asked stopping.

"I'm...well....you see...I've...always...you know..." I continued saying nonsense until he put his hand on my shoulder.

"Dude...calm down...take a deep breath and tell me...calmly..." he said....even though he was a really energic guy, he was also calm most of times...I did as I was told...I took a deep breath, looked at him in the eyes...and said it...

"I'm bi..." I said, I looked at him so see his reaction, the only thing he said was...

"ok..." He said, looking at me and smiling, I actually thought he was going to turn away and run.

"O-Ok?" I asked.

"Yeah, ok... I mean it...in fact....I already knew..." he said.

"You knew?" I asked him.

"In fact I was thinking if you were gay or bi...I noticed how you look to guys and...under the waist line...and how you get nervous when changing clothes in front of another guy...." He said.

"Am I that obvious?" I asked.

"You bet you are!" He said laughing, no matter what...he was actually my best friend...one of the few that even if I didn't feel like smiling...he'd make me laugh....I liked that on him...I walked him home and his mother was there to welcome him, she invited me in, like...dozens of times...but I sincerely couldn't accept....she liked me a lot for some reason, maybe because once, Lucas told her that I'm the only one that actually shows up to do homework with him or study seriously....and she liked that...or maybe because I was one of the few that showed up at his place when he had broken his knee playing soccer...I'd help him getting up, help him putting on the immobilizer, help him sitting on bed, lend him my PSP so he could have fun during long visits to the doctor, get the homework for him, and even change the ice on his knee sometimes...according to him, his mother was grateful for the stuff I did for him and that one day, he'd pay me up for everything...I actually didn't want him to...I was happy doing all that stuff and earning a "thank you" from him, turns out that I actually buy him a soda everyday....he was saving coins he'd find on the street so one day he'd buy me a cookie and a soda...that's dedication...

I got home that day, happy with myself...and the first music I heard was "I'll go crazy if I don't go Crazy tonight" by U2, this music even today has a big emotional impact on me, I did my usual stuff like homework, my english course homework, take my bath and finally eat something....the rest of the way was only a detail....

Days passed normally, until I got the invitation from Lucas to sleepover at his place...PS3...Movies...Lucas...why not? I packed my stuff for the night and headed to his place, he welcomed me shirtless and with boxers on...he didn't care I'd see him like that...even though he knew I was bi...thats something....in fact...I looked at his chest and...seems soccer earned him some muscles, I could see the outline of the beggining of a 4 pack....in fact, he was forcing it...(show off) because only 2 show up when he is relaxed...like me, the only difference from me to him at that time...is that I actually had no man boob, and he did...I was skinnier than him, yet, I was heavier for some reason...

We did everything I thought we would do, we played on his notebook, the PS3, watched some movies, HORROR movies, which I actually don't know why because he hates them....I can tolerate a scary movie...but according to him: "One night watching one of these movies is the very same night he'll sleep with his mother".

After dinner we went to his room, we talked about random stuff and late night, when I was about to hit my head on the soft pillow, he asked me:

"So...this is just the same...even though you're bi" he said.

"Is it actually ok?" I asked.

"It has to...you're like my little brother man...I pretty much have to like you for who you are..." he said.

"I don't know...you seem kinda....weird..." I said.

"It's just that I wasn't expecting that you would like...be...bi, I mean...I already knew that but...it was just something...that came from nothing...if you understand..." He said, a bit reluctant.

"I understand! Chill man!" I said before closing my eyes and laughing, for some reason...he wasn't laughing...but instead, I felt a kiss out of a sudden, I was surprised! I mean...the only one in that room was Lucas....the kiss...was it his? I opened my eyes slowly to find out that he was in front of me, smiling with his eyes closed, he was totally cute with that face...

"Was that your first kiss?" he asked.

"Well...yeah..." I answered.

"Sorry I stole it" he said.

"It's ok, but why?" I asked.

"As simple as 1,2,3....I wanted to try it and I did, I mean...you came out to me and I was curious about how a kiss from a boy felt like...things fit perfectly" he said

"So you...used me..." I said looking narrowly at him.

"No!" he answered laughing. " I swear I was curious...and guess what..." he continued.

"What?" I asked.

"I liked it..." he said looking at me with those blue and green eyes...I felt my heart tightening against my chest....I lost breath...I didn't know what to say....I swallowed saliva and decided myself...

"You wanna...do it again?" I asked.

"Of course I do..." He said getting near again to kiss me, and this time...I actually felt the so called fireworks and butterflies on my stomach...it was awsome...we had both already brushed out teeth and we tasted eachother's mint flavor, we broke the kiss and looked at eachother.

"You kiss well..." He said.

"You too..." I said. " and you have pretty eyes..." I continued.

"Well thanks..." He said smiling...I was actually liking where this was going...I looked at his boxers, he had a big boner, his dick has always been bigger than mine...but also slender, I guess my boner also showed through the thin fabric of my pyjamas, we looked at eachother with a look of embarassment...but also curiosity...all I managed to do was sit on my leg, Lucas on the other hand, got up and pulled down his boxers....his dick was actually big...and he must have shaved or something...he had no hair there...well...neither did I...I shaved too....

"Aren't you going to show me yours?" he asked, well...we HAD seen eachother naked...but only at the changing room with tons of guys around....never looking under the waist is a rule...but now was totally different...I got up and pulled the pyjamas bottom down togheter with my underwear, he looked at my dick, i looked at his...he extended his hand to grab my hand and put it on his dick....it twitched with my touch...he also touched mine and we slowly...started jerking eachother.....it was awsome...magical...unique...we jerked eachother for sometime....I got an idea...things I've seen on porn movies...I decided I was going to give him....my first blowjob...I got on my knees and took hold of his dick with my hands...he looked at me and I could finally have the guts to put it inside my mouth...I loved the taste...I licked and sucked his dick for minutes until he came inside my mouth....sour, hout, salty and a bit sweet cum....he looked tired...I swallowed every drop of his cum and let go of his dick...

"you....suck well..." he said with a smile, I couldn't help but smile back, I was so happy I couldn't describe...I was happy that I was the first one to give him a blowjob...my first blowjob...my first kiss from a boy...I didn't even bother I didn't cum...but apparently....it was not ok with Lucas...because he came to kiss me again...lowering himself....until he found my dick....he took it inside his mouth....I knew blowjobs were awsome....but I wasn't expecting something like that! I loved the feeling of being sucked...specially by him...when I came, he swallowed and looked at me with a face of approval...I was wondering if he had done that before...but I was just too tired to do anything...so I just did as I planed earlier...I got on my underwear....and got on bed...he followed me... but he made several questions...."are you ok?", "did you like it?", "can we do it another time again?"....all my answers were "yes", before I blacked out...

============

"What happened after that? In the morning?" Alex asked.

"I'm going to tell you in one minute..." I said...

"Oh come on....where are you going!?" Mark asked.

"The bathroom! Gee! I'll be just back!" I said as I left the room.....the radio on the table now plays..."I'll go Crazy if I don't go Crazy tonight".....