Abuse Survivor's Turbulent Past

I lived with my mom until I was nine years old. It was around that time that she developed a pretty bad drinking and drug habit, found a boyfriend who loved to sell drugs and beat her ass regularly. My dad finally had enough, and stepped in and took me away from her. He was a hard man, who expected an increasingly impossible workload from me. A man that expected perfection.
I was an honor student most of my life. I was that kid that was in every single advanced placement class that a student could be enrolled in. I was a three sport athlete. I didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs. I was the perfect kid, and everyone that came around me tried and tried to tell my dad, that he needed to step back… to be happy with the young man whom he was raising.
People around me noticed that I was the kind of kid who always seemed strung very tight. Being a big kid who was pretty meek I was bullied mercilessly. No one felt bad beating on a kid bigger than them. What they didn’t know was that I tolerated it because it was nothing compared to my home life…
When I was eleven, I got sick with the flu. I screwed something up one day, I don’t remember what exactly, and my dad came down on my ass pretty hard. I can remember standing in the bathroom of the shitty trailer that we lived in at the time. He was yelling at me red-faced, and I remember I was just trying to not throw up. I remember him asking me if I thought I was a big man now, that I could just face him down. I remember the dread that welled up in me as I realized that while I was trying to avoid puking I had missed answering one of his questions.
He backhanded me through a shower door. I remember hitting my head on the rear wall as I slammed backward. I also remember puking on myself…
The fucked up thing is I remember that as the one clear time that he actually hugged me… When he said he was sorry.
As I grew up I became more and more isolated, and as that isolation grew so did the anger inside of me. It grew to the point that by the time I was a teenager it started to play out in my psyche. I played football, and I wrestled. I excelled in these sports because the rage got to come out and play… Here’s how fucked up I had become, I actually enjoyed hurting people on the field, or on the mat, because it was the only time I could let the stranger out to play, and no one would get angry at me. I craved the approval of everyone around me. It made me an easy target for bullies. I was always the kid trying to make everyone else look bad. The apple polishing brown-noser who went out of his way to look superior. In truth, I just wanted someone to approve of me.
The summer between my junior and senior year in high school, I finally snapped. Three random guys decided that I looked like a tasty mark, and they jumped me in a field about a mile from my house. I was lucky, but I left all three of them bleeding in the dirt that day. Two were hurt badly enough that I worried about whether or not the police would respond, and whether or not I’d be arrested for what I’d done. I ran from the three boys I left laying there in the field that day.
I started looking for fights. I went out of my way to get into trouble with people who used to bully me… The problem was, I wasn’t the fat little meek kid anymore. I was 6’ 1” tall, and two hundred and fifteen pounds of solid muscle. I could bench press 320 pounds. I could squat nearly three times my body weight. I could pick a full grown man up by the throat with one arm. I was an all state football player. I dominated guys in the heavyweight wrestling class that had fifty pounds on me, no one wanted to fight me anymore…
I got increasingly violent as I got older. I started to scare the people around me. My friends knew some of what was going on at home. I think they suspected the rest….
One day three months into my senior year I came home from school. In my jacket pocket was a report card with a C on it. I sat and waited for my dad to come home from work. He arrived about 8 that night. He came into the house and I could tell immediately tonight was not the night to broach the topic of the C. He was in a mood, one that stated that if I fucked with him tonight there was no way I was going to enjoy it. Mentally I promised myself that I would show him the grades tomorrow….
I never got the chance. He went straight to my room, and pulled the report card from my jacket pocket. How he knew it was there I’ll never know. He thrust it into my face, screaming at me.
Something you need to know about a child that grows up with an abusive parent. They get bigger, but the scared child never really leaves them. You beat them down enough and they just cower in a dark corner when things get bad.
I made excuses. I lied. I never saw the right hook that put my head into the drywall. I fell down, crying… for some reason those tears still shame me today. My dad, disgusted that I wouldn’t stand up for myself, left the house.
I decided that night that I had two choices. Leave, or kill myself. This will sound trite after the fact, because I’m not anywhere near religious, but from somewhere I knew deep inside me that killing myself would anger any god that created me. Instead, I went to my room and packed. I shoved as many clothes into a backpack as I could. I took my school books. I hoped that I would be able to be gone before my father returned. I wasn’t. He laughed at me as I told him I was leaving. He told me not to come back that night, that if I was going to be a baby about a little punch and walk out, I could sleep outside. At 17, I walked out of my father’s home.
I called a friend, and not wanting to be a burden, asked him to drive me to a bar I knew my mom frequented…
My mom was living the life you would expect of a chronic alcoholic. She worked in a bar, and when she wasn’t behind the counter serving drinks, she was in front of it pounding them. When I showed up she saw it as her opportunity to put one over on dear old dad, and she let me move in. I got a beautifully lumpy futon in her living room as my very own. She lived across town from the high school I went to, and being three months into my senior year, I didn’t want to leave my school. She didn’t have a car, so she hooked me up with a bus pass… I knew my life was really going places now….
I told myself patiently that I just needed to wait it out a few months. Graduate from High School, get a job, and learn to support myself… I realize how selfish I was now…
So every morning I got up at 4 am, and caught the city bus to school. Being a small town, the bus routes only ran to the area that my school was in every three hours. That meant in order to be ontime for my first class, I needed to arrive at school two entire hours early. I was terrified my first few times riding by myself… now I realize the giant intense kid in the back was the one fucking with people.
This went on for about three weeks. The grinding monotony of my life. It didn’t really get better, the scenery just changed. My mom put in an effort to stay home for the first few days, and then went back to drinking hard. I was fine with that. I just wanted to be left alone, with the rage inside me… then one day, while walking the halls of my school I saw a girl I had never noticed before.
She was short, five foot nothing, about a 100 pounds. Petite, but with curves just where you wanted them. I remember watching her walk by the first time, noticing her piercing green eyes, and her slightly upturned pixie nose. I turned and watched her walk away down the hall, and simply admired the tight jeans that hugged her perfect apple shaped ass. I remember thinking, “that’s the girl I’m going to fantasize about tonight when I beat off.” And that’s exactly what I did that night, laying alone in the shitty apartment my mom rented, on my dumpy little mattress.
The next morning I was shocked when she got on the bus three stops after me. The devilishly horny fuck inside me laughed about how easy this was going to be, I mean come one, we were the only two teenagers on the city bus! She’d have to talk to me!
The virgin inside my head however screamed about how she didn’t want to talk to me. Sad to say, but the virgin won out. I never talked to her. I didn’t try to learn shit about her. I just sat there with my headphones on for the next week and stared out the window. Aching for the moment when she stood up in front of me, so I could see those tight jeans stretched across that perfect ass.
She let me stare at her for about a week before she finally came over and simply sat beside me. “Hey, I’m Jacky.” She said to me. I just about busted my load in my pants simply having her talk with me. Her beautiful green eyes looked deep into mine, and she said, “look, we’re going to be here on the bus everyday we might as well talk and get to know each other.”
I was really excited, the happy teenager porn movie started playing in my head. In my mind’s eye I could see her stretched out underneath me and I pumped my throbbing cock deep into her. I managed the witty reply, “Uh, hey, I’m Gabe.”.
She smiled at me, her pretty little pixy face lighting up. “I know. Everyone in school knows you. You’re the angry jock that everyone thinks is going to bring a gun to school one day.”
I was shocked to see that the plans I had in my head were that transparent to everyone around me. “Don’t worry, I don’t own a gun, wouldn’t know how to get my hands on one…”
Her eyes thinned, and I could see something light up inside her. Looking back I realize that what she liked was the fact that I didn’t deny the fact that I would bring a gun to school, but merely the fact that I didn’t have one to bring.
I asked her why I didn’t know her. I knew pretty much everyone with the circles I ran in, and she told me that she had moved to our school from the other one in town just last week. Her parents thought it would be a better environment for her. Standard getting to know you chit chat. I learned that she was a freshman, and I saw through her immature little game of trying to play up how smart and mature she was.
She almost immediately started flirting with me. I however, was a kid with zero self confidence. I didn’t get it. With experience I realize that my self vision at that point was pretty off kilter. No longer was I the wimpy fat kid. I was the ripped, angry mini-Hulk who was three years older. I was also a kid that everyone knew was going somewhere. My grades were in the toilet because I simply didn’t care enough to work on them.
Weeks went by with her coy flirtations, and for my part I thought that the only way this girl was going to like me was if she saw how nice of a guy I was. I listened, and talked with her, and ignored her petty flirtations as if she was simply being a little cock tease. I had had experience with girls who used to treat me like shit, and who now seemed to constantly be by my side. I despised them for it. They were too good for me when I was the little picked on dork. Now that I was top dog however, suddenly they had interest… So I suspected that everyone was trying to have a laugh at my expense.
About a month into me knowing Jacky we had a school pep rally. She came in that morning in her tight little jeans, and sat right in my lap. My friends were completely jealous. I thought that finally, maybe, she was showing some interest. I decided that I was going to ask her out, see where it went from there.
My hopes were dashed however when a teammate from the football team pulled me aside later that day and asked me if the girls who was sitting in my lap was named Jacky. I told him her name was Jacky, and he patted me on the shoulder…
“Dude, normally I wouldn’t tell you this,” he said, “but I know you’re like captain straightlaced. I heard that chick blew 6 guys at a party at her old school. That’s why her parents moved her over to our school. She’s not really your type.”
I was crushed. The prude in me could not accept a slut as a girlfriend. What would people think of me?
The next day when I saw her on the bus I wanted to so badly ask her if it was true. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything to her. I wouldn’t even look at her. After about 20 minutes she asked me what she’d done to piss me off. I told her it was nothing. I had just heard some stuff, but I didn’t want to make her mad by asking, so that we should leave it be. This really piqued her interest, and she began to insist that I ask her…
I decided then and there that I would break off our casual flirtation. I told her it wasn’t important. She got really playful, her eyes lighting up with mischief, and she started poking me, and tickling my sides. She pulled out her pouty face. Still I refused to tell her. The more I refused the farther she went. After maybe 5 minutes of playful banter she ran her hand down the inside of my leg, stopping with it right on my crotch.
My cock started to spring to attention. I pulled her hand away from my crotch nervously. I wished I hadn’t even had brought it up at this point, I was so embarrassed. She wrapped her fingers in mine and brought my left index finger up to her mouth and probed it with her tongue. The prude in me wanted so badly to pull away. I didn’t want this slut touching me!
My cock however was now firmly in control. She continued to suck on my finger, her breath coming in little pants of moaning, just load enough so that the two of us could hear. I was suddenly very thankful that the bus driver was the only other person on the bus, and he was way too far away to hear her moans.
She leaned in and whispered in my ear, “What do I need to do to get you to tell me?”
She started sucking on my finger again before I could answer. The prude in me was really happy to see we were only a few blocks from where we got off the bus. My hard-on however was screaming about how it was risk time. I argued with myself that I just wanted to be done with this girl! She was just teasing me! She was just a friend who was letting things get out of hand…
My cock made the terribly valuable point that I was going to cut her out of my life anyway, why not take a risk? I leaned in and whispered into her ear, “You keep sucking my finger like that, and I’m going to assume it’s an offer to do a whole lot more…”
She bit her lip, “What, you want me to suck you off right here on the bus?”
Now I knew she was fucking with me. There was no way she just made that offer. I was pissed now. Could this cock tease not see what she was doing to me?! The bus rolled to a stop and I angrily got up and stormed passed her. I got off the bus and she chased me.
“Look, I’m sorry, I just want to know what I did to piss you off so much? I mean you were just starting to warm up!” I looked at her as we were halfway up the school drive. My cock was still rock hard. He was screaming that if this little bitch was going to be a cock tease, I should just throw her down and fuck her brains out! That settled it for me. I decided that I didn’t care if she was teasing me. I decided that this bitch was going to blow me. So what if she said no? So what if she laughed at me? What was she going to do, tell everyone at school? I could just call her a liar. I was captain all star, and she was the girl who blew six random strangers at a party! Who were people going to believe? I could just say she came onto me and I turned her down ‘cause she’s a slut.
“Fuck it.” I grabbed her hand and pulled her across the practice field. I knew a nice little spot in the baseball dugout that was nice and private. She came along willingly, matching my quick pace…
We dropped down into the baseball dugout and I pushed her to her knees. I unzipped my pants, flipped my cock out and started to shove it into her face. Now was the moment of truth. Here was the point where she would laugh at me and ask if I was crazy! Where she would say why would she want to blow a loser like me? Instead of saying shit, she eagerly opened her mouth and started sucking. I had my hands tangled in her short blond hair. My cock was on fire! My balls ached wanting to simply bust right in her mouth right there! I couldn’t though, she’d think I was a loser if I busted my nut in her mouth so quickly!
Instead I wrapped my hands tighter in her hair. I slowed her rhythm and started ramming my cock harder and harder down her throat. The anger was building inside me. This fucking slut! Suddenly I was thrusting into her mouth with all the power of my hips, and pulling her head into my crotch with each thrust, and I wasn’t so much letting her blow me as I was face fucking her.
Her greedy little mouth took me in with each stroke. Letting me push in as deep as I wanted with each thrust. She opened her throat to me, so I rammed my cock straight down it. She moaned like a whore as I ran my rock hard cock in and out of her throat. By now she was pushed back against the far wall of the dugout, The wimpy voice inside my head was back now. How could I let myself be with this whore? She blew six guys in front of everyone at a party! Look how eagerly she just starting sucking your cock!
I pulled my cock out of her mouth and sat down hard on the bench of the dugout. I intended to be done. She took it as me getting more comfortable. Instantly her mouth was back around my cock. I leaned back. Suddenly I didn’t care if she was a whore. Even the wimpy voice in my head just leaned back with a contented sigh and let her suck me.
She knew that I liked it rough. Her hands slipped underneath my ass, gripping tight and thrusting the whole of my cock down her throat with each thrust. I could barely hold it anymore!
The wimp popped back in for another appearance… He was telling me I should take a step back, pull her head away. Maybe have sex with her… I mean she’d appreciate the effort that would take right? Then it would be about us and not just about me…
Hey, I’m a gentleman, I considered it for about two seconds as I got ready to cum. I felt myself slipping over the cliff, my hands latching onto the back of her head. I swear that I had intended to pull her head away from my cock when I came, but just as the thought to me a better idea popped into my head… Sluts swallow.
I pushed her head down hard on my cock, and thrust my hips into her face. I could feel me cum slamming out of me! I pushed myself deep into her throat, gritting my teeth from the incredible ecstasy her mouth was giving me. Years of jerking off quietly in my room gave me discipline to not call out as my load spilled into her mouth, I simply set my jaw, gritted my teeth and rode out the orgasm. Her head didn’t push against me once…
She greedily took every drop of cum I blasted into her throat. When I was finished she looked up at me and smiled… “A man who takes what he wants! Good. Showing how I can make you happy… I’ll do anything that you ask…”
My brain could already start thinking of a few things….

Continued in part two!

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