My Dark Journey: A Bipolar Gay Man's Descent into BDSM and Obsession

This is a 100% true story and is the beginning of my journal of the hidden dark side of my life. I am a 46 yr old discrete closeted gay man that is bipolar with rapid cycling. My story and the ones to follow are not so seek sympathy or even understanding it only meant to get off of my chest all the things I have done in my progressively sick perverted life. Maybe someone will be able to relate and find some comfort in not being alone in this world.. The things I do and have done I do so out of my free will. Yes I am bipolar and most of the stories occur during either maniac or depressive times but that is the nature of the illness. Heck I don't even consider it an illness as it has made me very successful in life.

So I guess I should start now in the present before I tell you where it all began. I am 46 yr old professional guy. 6ft, 190lbs, white and look like the guy/jock next door. I am a good looking guy and no one would ever guess the things I do or have done in my life, but I will tell the world now in my stories. Right now I am a working adult by day and a man cunt by night. I will suck and be fucked my anyone. I subject and seek out to be bound and raped. I allow myself to be whored out in Washington DC, Philly, and NYC. I have been fucked in clubs, ABS, theatres, public parks and even homeless shelters...but those stories are soon to come. I feel almost no pain or remorse anymore. I love to be tortured and abused. Not for money or acceptance but it is who I am and it has taken me a long time to come to this realization. This was who I was meant to be. To fulfill guys deepest darkest, sickest fantasies who what reason I have not clue, but I cannot seem to stop seeking out and repeating this extremely dangerous behavior. I have literally taken thousands of cum loads in my life and probably 75% I never even saw their faces. I have taken piss in my ass and drank it sooooo many times I've stopped counting...I've been tied up and humiliated and raped 100's of times but I always go back for more. Each time getting more and more risky and abusive...I have even sunk so low as to go to a poz breeding party, allow myself to be strapped in a sling and then raped by dozens of guys who were poz and they knew I was neg. Fortunately that was a year ago and so far I am still neg. Anyway I digress.

Part one is all about the beginning and how I slowly learned that I was into guys and abuse. I would love to say something traumatic happened to me to be this way but the fact is I was born this way. I have two loving parents and three sisters and none of them know to this day who I really am in my bipolar moments. From an early age I used to love to abuse my asshole and penis. I would shove things up my ass, i would sit on bedposts and at times shove rods of all shapes and sizes down my penis. I still did not reach puberty. I vividly remember the first time I realized how much I loved pain...I came home from school one day and very one was gone. I was at a point where my fantasy was about being a held captive and forced to do things...I had begun to have a curiosity with my piss and I had tasted it several times always trying to dare myself to drink it but could not...So this day I pretended I was a captured prisoner and would be given two choices. Drink piss or with stand having my cock and balls burnt by a hot water pipe. We had an old claw foot bath tub that had external pipes coming out of the floor. So I filled a cup up with piss and sat down on the floor and slid them under the tub so my cock and balls were right at the hot water pipe...I spread my ball sack around the pipe with a ball on each side and tied them on the other side with a noose...then I took duct tape and tape my cock several times along the length of the my shaft....

The interrogation began...I refused to tell the information so I was supposedly to drink the piss or they would turn on the hot water in the tub...I stuck my tongue in the piss and decided not to do it. Then i said the hell with it and turned the hot water on...Soon the temperature of the pipe began to rise...(This is the part I didn't realize as a stupid kid) but when you have a coal furnace the water is really, really hot and once the pipes get hot they stay hot for a long time after you shut off the valve. Well the water got so hot and it began to scald my cock and balls and I grinned an bared it for a few minutes and the quickly shut the valve off when the pain got too intense...the problem was the pipe was still scalding my cock and balls and I could not get them untaped and untied for several minutes...when it was all over my cock and ball sack were severely burnt but I could not tell a sole..what would I say...so I let it heal over the next month but the uncontrollable pain awoke some inner demon inside me.

I wanted more and in different ways.......I beat my balls, stuck pins and needles in them, drove a nail through my cock head but it was all self torture. Then for a few years it all calmed down as I reached puberty and my fixation became jerking off. This is where the true story begins.....I had always gone camping and fishing with my Dad every summer to Canada and this one summer when I was 12 we decided to go way up north to this remote campground. Really roughing it...During the morning we would fish and in the afternoon i would head off exploring the woods and leave my Dad to his nap. One day I found this cool hiking trail that headed to a remote section of the campground. It passed by some old trailers that I thought were vacant but apparently people lived there as I saw a truck in the driveway. Anyway went on by and found this old group campsite that was all over grown. Looked like it hadn't been used in years...there was this old boarded up lodge that i decided to explore..When I went in it smelt of urine and soon I had found the source. There was a bathroom that was literally and out house inside a building...I walked in and checked out the stalls..apparently the kids had been using it to party because there were beer bottles and cigarette butts all over the place. Then I stumbled upon the BOOTH...it had porn pictures all over the walls..in the wall to the next stall there were 3 holes...one at waist level and two at shoulder height...I sort of got the picture that they were to peek into the next booth...strange I thought...then I found an old magazine that was gay porn and I sat there for an hour reading and looking at the pictures...I was hard as a rock and pulled my shorts down to jerk off...I was almost about to cum when I heard someone come in. They didn't say a word and I pulled my feet up on the toilet..they came in the room and stopped...he walked to my stall and pushed on the locked door...uttered Humm and went in the stall next to me...he bent look through the hole and there I was all naked with a gay magazine and my dick in my hand. He said nothing..and sat down...so I got curious and peeked through and saw him playing with his massive cock...he saw me look and stood up...came to the wall and there it was! This massive cock sticking through the hole....I could not help myself so I slowly jerked him off. then he yelled through for me to suck it boy...I ran my tongue along his shaft determined not to suck him.. It was the first cock I had ever felt and something snapped in my head...I went up and swallowed him and began to suck him off as I was jerking him...soon I felt his hips begin to thrust more and more through the hole....then i thought how am I going to stop him from cumming in my mouth. How will I know when he is about to cum...soon I felt his hands grasp the back of my head through the other holes...he pulled my mouth deeper and deeper down onto his shaft...i pulled back when I started to gag but he held me steady...holy shit I thought he is fucking my throat...he rammed harder and harder and then in one giant thrust he shove his cock down my throat balls deep and let out this loud yell. Cum exploded out of his cock that was halfway down my throat...I gagged at the amount and when I gasped half of it got sucked up into my sinus and out my nose...he let go and left quickly....I sat there on the floor with cum in my mouth, nose and all over my face. I cleaned up and snuck outside and back to my campsite. I did not return for a few days as I was scared but I wanted to see the booth again and part of me wanted to see him as well...whoever he was...
So I went and when I walked by the trailer park I realized it was the guy there. this time there were 3 cars parked in the driveway and three guys were outside in the shade drinking beer...I knew they saw me and something stirred with excitement inside me...I went to the stall and soon he came in but he was not alone...he came to my stall and said open it up...i was scared but i did...this time he stood me up undressed me and and went down to suck on me....it was amazing...he pushed me against the wall and soon I felt his fingers probing at my ass...first one, then two, then three fingers...I was rock hard...What i didn't realize was that my ass was against the wall with the hole and suddenly I felt a guy grab me through the holes and pull me back...I didn't say a word...then I felt a hard cock at my ass hole and the guy sucking me now sucked it to get it all wet...then he guided it to my asslips and all of a sudden I felt this thrust of pain as his cock penetrated my virgin ass..I stood there and just grinned like had done some many times back at home....he rammed me over and over and soon I felt him grunt and a shot of warmth came over me as his sperm flooded my new found mancunt. It was amazing...he pulled away and then there was another cock now fucking my sloppy cum filled hole and in a few minutes he shot his load inside me as well...then the guys sucking me bent me over and began to fuck me as well,,,, then one of the cocks that fucked me was sticking through the hole...he told me to suck it and lick it clean..at first I was reluctant but the guy fucking me pushed my head onto his cock...it tasted wonderful and I swallowed his soft cock.. all of a sudden he began to take a piss in my throat..at first I was stunned but I had the taste in my mouth before...they all yelled to drink it boy so I began to swallow....I swallowed it all....the guy shot his load and i fell to the floor. they left... In the upcoming week I went back every day and let them rape me and piss in me over and over...I loved it and was becoming addicted to it...

Then we had to leave and go home...But a serious mancunt was born.....A door opened that I have never been able to close...