Funny Sex Jokes and Dirty Humor Stories to Make You Laugh Out Loud

1. I was sitting
on my own in a
restaurant, when I
saw a beautiful
woman at another
table. I sent her a
bottle of the most
expensive wine on
the menu. She
sent me a note: "I
will not touch a
drop of this wine
unless you can
assure me that
you have seven
inches in your
pants." So I wrote
back: "Give me the
wine. As gorgeous
as you are, I'm not
cutting off three
inches for anyone.
2. A teacher is
teaching a class
and she sees that
Johnny isn't paying
attention, so she
asks him, "If there
are three ducks
sitting on a fence,
and you shoot one,
how many are
left?" Johnny says,
"None." The
teacher asks,
"Why?" Johnny
says, "Because the
shot scared them
all off." The
teacher says, "No,
there are two left,
but I like how
you're thinking."
Then Johnny asks
the teacher, "You
see three women
walking out of an
ice cream parlor.
One is licking her
ice cream, one is
sucking her ice
cream, and one is
biting her ice
cream. Which one
is married?" And
the teacher
responds, "The
one sucking her ice
cream." Johnny
says, "No, the one
with the wedding
ring, but I like how
you're thinking
3. Arnold
Schwarzenegger
has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a
small one,
Madonna doesn't
have one, The
Pope has one but
doesn't use it,
Dominique
Strauss-Khan uses
his all the time.
What is it? Its a last
name and shame
on you for thinking
it was something
else.
4. A little girl
and boy are
fighting about the
differences
between the
sexes, and which
gender is better.
Finally, the boy
drops his pants
and says, "Here's
something I have
that you'll never
have!" The little girl
is pretty upset by
this, since it is
clearly true, and
runs home crying.
A while later, she
comes running
back with a smile
on her face. She
lifts her dress,
drops her knickers,
and yells, "My
mommy says that
with one of these,
I can have as
many of those as I
want!
5. Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina. He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge." A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!" She replies, "I lost it, honey." A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?" Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"