My Childhood Sexual Abuse Trauma: A Survivor's Story of Shame and Awakening

I had always been different. At least I thought I was. I remember experimenting with water games at a young age. I liked how it felt to pee on myself. I would fantasize about my step sister. She would wrestle with me and touch me with her feet and it would drive me crazy. I just remember having a lot of strange thoughts at a pretty young age.

The first time I can remember is with my step "brother". My step brother Jon and I were upstairs in a storage closet and we were playing and pushing each other around. It escalated and we started kissing. We kissed for a while, hard to remember how long, 5 or 10 minutes maybe. We wound up going into my room which was just feet away and we ended up naked on the bed with me on top of him rubbing our little penises together. All I remember is feeling really good and then a strange feeling came. I assume it was an orgasm. It would have been my first. I got up and it was done. I didn't know what had happened. By the way, we must have been about 8 or 9 years old.

Nothing much happened to me for a while. I started playing with myself soon after that. I would use my index fingers and thumbs from both hands to play with my little dick. I started beating off looking at girly magazines. I would cum on the pages and have to peel them open next time to use it. The usual stuff, Playboy, Penthouse, then moving on to Hustler and other nastier magazines. I'd beat off pretty much every night, if not more. I got good at it and enjoyed it immensely.

When I was around 12 or 13, a man moved in next door to my family. His name was John also. We became friends and I would hang out at his house a lot. He had a lot of cool stuff. Guns and motorcycles. Just what a pervert needs to entice little boys. But no one saw it for what it was. He would ask weird questions like, "do you want to have an arm pit smelling contest"? I didn't get it. But I could ask him questions about girls and he would tell me what I wanted to know.

He took me on a couple of road trips with him. We went to a rodeo in eastern Oregon, we went somewhere else, but I can't place it. And we would go shooting and go to the river. Lots of neat stuff, stuff my parents would never do for us.
The first time I remember him doing something sexual to me is on a trip to Mount Hood. We were going to go inner tubing and play in the snow. We got there and he told me to wait outside the lodge while he went inside. I didn't know why, didn't care really. He told me not to play in the snow and get my cloths wet. But of course I did. We were going to sleep in his van in the parking lot. We were under a sleeping bag of some sort and I remember waking up and his hand was inside my underwear. I didn't think anything of it and I moved it. I vaguely remember him putting his hand back and I fell asleep. The next day we played and went home.
One of our trips to the river, he challenged me and another boy to a peeing contest. He told us to see who could pee the furthest. While he watched our penises of course. I was still oblivious to it all. He started showing me pictures of him and other men and boys swimming naked or doing something naked.

The big one was when he took me to southern California to go to Disneyland. On the way down we stopped at a motel for the night. H was going to go out for some snacks, and I'm sure some alcohol. Before he left he told me to take a shower. Said it was a long day and I needed to clean up. The part I didn't understand was, he told me to be sure I washed my crotch and butt real good. I just did what I was told. We were in bed, the same bed of course. I woke up and he had my PJ's all the way down and was playing with my dick. I just froze and laid there, I had no idea what was going on. He started taking pictures of me with a pillow in front of my face. He put my dick in his mouth and I couldn't help jerking around a little. It felt like nothing I'd ever felt before. I could feel his whiskers on my belly. After a while, he made me cum. It felt so good. I jerked like a fish out of water. He quietly called my name to see if he woke me up. I stayed silent. He took my hand and used it to touch his dick. He was thick and not real long. Of course at the time it felt thick to me. It was soft on the outside but firm inside. At one point he tried to turn me so I would put my dick in his ass. It didn't work. I just laid lifeless like I was asleep. He eventually ended up cumming with my hand on his cock. I very clearly remember the feeling of his cum running over my fingers. I also remember the feeling of him sucking his cum off of my fingers.

When we got to Anaheim, he got a motel and we went to visit a couple of his friends. One of which was clearly gay. Although at the time, I had no idea. We went to the motel and he didn't feel good. He was sick with the flu or something. I remember hoping he would do the same thing again, but he didn't because he didn't feel well. He just slept for two days. We went to Disney and headed home. I don't remember any other times on that trip where he did anything. We were in a hurry because I had to get back to start school.
Another experience I remember well is with a guy from the neighborhood. He was not right in the head. He was on some sort of disability because he couldn't work for himself. I met him in a gas station parking lot or something. He started talking to me and asked me if I wanted to earn a dollar. I didn't know any better so I said yes. He took me to his basement apartment under some ladies house and told me he was going to give me a rub down. He laid on the edge of the bed and had me lay on top of him. He rubbed my chest and belly under my shirt. He moved his hands down and put them inside my pants and rubbed my penis. I believe this was during the same time I was friends with John. I would go back to see him because he would give me money for letting him touch me. He only did it a couple of times. Somehow, he ended up living in my parents basement. One day he told me to come down and see him after everyone went to bed. I remember creeping down the stairs, trying not to make any noise. I got to his room in the basement and he was asleep. I woke him up and told him I was there. He took his cock out of his underwear and had me touch it. It was not long at all, but it was real fat. Almost like a soda can. I put it in my mouth and tried to suck on it. He let me go for a few minutes before he took it out and started jerking it himself. He got close to cumming and had me put my mouth on it. I felt it coming and he squirted a bunch of cum in my mouth. I swallowed it and he thanked me and I went back up stairs. That was the last experience with him.

Those are the ones I can remember as a kid. I do remember being at a motel at the coast with my family and a good friend of mine. I met a girl and we made out for a long time under a overhang of the motel. Later that night I was in bed with my friend a I remember wanting to touch him. I don't know why. I just wanted to feel his cock. He was a big guy too, and I'd heard his cock was real big. I must have been 14 or 15 by then. I fantasized about another buddy of mine once too. We were hanging out at the elementary school after dark. I just remember wishing I could suck his cock.