Teenage Heartbreak and Forbidden Crushes: A Story of Self Discovery

Nothing feels worse than waking up after crying yourself to sleep. I’d feel humiliated but after everything that happened yesterday, maybe you can forgive me.

I pulled myself out of sleep, my eyes crusted with dried tears and with a heavy weight in my heart. My limbs felt numb, like they’d been drained of blood and then stuck with hundreds of needles. I may have not wanted to get up yesterday but I really didn’t want to get up today. I didn’t want to go to school, to have to see Craig’s smug face as he flaunted his new relationship in front of me. I quote Eric Cartman, Patron Saint of the Fucking Douchebags… “God, I fucking hate Craig!” I smiled a little at that.

My phone chirruped and I pulled it over to see I had three new text messages. One from Joe, one from Tara, and the most recent one…from Kayla.

I read the other two first.

Joe: Hey, man, sorry about Craig and his bullshit. Say the word and me and Brad will pound his skull in. Coz we love you.

Tara: Date went great last night. Let me know if you need anything. I have some insight into the female mind ;)

I sucked in my breath and opened the text from Kayla. It was a long one.

Kayla: Hey Jack! I am soooooooooooooo sorry! I wanted to text you back as soon as I got your number but I was hanging with Craig and I thought it would be rude to keep pulling out my phone. I know, that sounds terrible, but I really did want to talk to you. Oh, idk if you saw on fb but we are a couple now :) he’s a really good guy. Not as refined or sweet as you, though, so you still beat him there ;) anyway we got home so late last night I didn’t even have time to do my homework. Could you maybe find a way to come over after school to help me with it? It would mean a lot to me.

I stared at the text for a long time. On the one hand, this new relationship she was in seemed like a good thing to her, even though she already figured out some of Craig’s worst traits. On the other hand, she was as sweet as ever and I knew she wasn’t just buttering me up. And I did promise to help her with stuff.

I shot her a text back.

Me: Hey Kayla. It’s all right. I did get a little worried but I’m glad you’re okay. I’d be happy to help you with your homework tonight.

I was just pulling myself out of bed, scraping away the crust from my eyes, when her response came.

Kayla: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! And awwww, you were worried about me :)

Me: Of course! It wouldn’t be polite of you as one of my new best friends to disappear on me after one day.

Kayla: Awwwww *^_^* You’re so sweet.

Me: Only to certain people.

Kayla: Careful, mister. Flirt with me too much and you might make Craig jealous.

Just the mention of his name was enough to pull me out of my increasing cheerful mood. Yeah, he would be jealous. I was jealous already. It was clawing at my heart, desperately urging me to tell her the truth about Craig. I wanted to, so bad. It would be easy enough to tell her about the previous girls, give her their names, have her talk with them. But then I’d be the jealous prick, breaking up her relationship because I wanted her. Then I’d be just like Craig.

Me: Okay, sorry. Can’t help it though. You’re the sweet one.

Kayla: No, you!

Me: Lol let’s just call it a draw.

Kayla: Lol fine by me.

Me: Hey, do you want a ride to school today? We’re going to be heading out in about half an hour.

Kayla: Craig is coming to pick me up. I’m sorry :(

Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn and shit.

Me: It’s okay. Just let me know if you ever need one.

Kayla: I will. Thanks, hun. See you at school.

I dropped my phone on the bedside table and rubbed my face. Yeah, I was looking forward to seeing her, in spite of everything. I was still her friend. I would still be there for her.

I needed a shower. But that meant I would have to walk by Alan and Amanda’s room. Just remembering what I saw last night made my mouth dry up, as if I wanted to puke. No, I didn’t care that they were brother and sister, but they were my brother and sister. Jesus Christ, how did they even do it? It must be like looking into a weirdly tinted mirror.

I crept past their room and into the bathroom. Two minutes later I was standing under the hot water, losing myself in the drumming of water bullets against my skin. It wasn’t enough to make me fully relax but I could feel the stress leaving my body. The steam opened up my pores and I almost shivered in pleasure. I wish I could have stayed in here all day.

As I soaped up my body, I thought again about Kayla. More specifically, how to help her. If Craig was being a gentleman while they were dating, fine, but it wouldn’t last. I’ve seen the girls he’s ditched try to talk to him again and if you thought Chris Brown could be an asshole to women, you’ve seen nothing. But I can’t just step in between her and Craig right now. Do it now and it would just make him seem all the more innocent. Maybe if I could make it so she saw the asshole side of him? Maybe trick him into insulting her or demanding that she…

I slammed my head against the shower wall. What a stupid thought. That made me no better than him. Actually, it made me worse. For a moment, I had actually considered letting him hurt her so I could get my way. Suddenly the shower didn’t seem like it was helping anymore. It was just hot water.

I got out, the steam not even feeling refreshing. I toweled off and put on my boxers and pants but, shit, I had forgotten a shirt. I pulled open the door and was headed to my room when the door to the twins’ room opened and Amanda stepped out, wearing a bathrobe. She blinked when she saw me shirtless but was otherwise unaffected.

“Good morning, Jack,” she said with a smile. That was weird. She didn’t usually smile at me.

“Morning,” I said, “I’m done in the bathroom.”

“Good,” she replied, “Sleep well?”

“I…guess?” I didn’t mean it as a question but that’s how it came out. “What about you?”

“Wonderfully.” She walked past me and into the bathroom, holding my gaze as she went.

Shit, had she seen me last night? They were already weird enough as it was; the last thing I needed was them dropping hints about their secret relationship. And they knew I wasn’t going to tell mom or dad. Last thing I need on top of everything else is to tear my family apart.

I grabbed a shirt and, remembering that I had gym today, stuffed my uniform from last year into my backpack. It was your standard washed-out gray color with the school name printed above the left breast. I think this summer was the first time I had actually washed it and it felt unfamiliar without its usual sweat stench and stiffness.

Mom and dad, as expected, were waiting at the breakfast table. I may not have been feeling as bad as I had the night before, or when I woke up for that matter, but even dad realized this wasn’t a morning to make jokes. “How you doing, big guy?” he asked, putting down his paper and giving me a concerned look.

“I’m all right.” I sat down and grabbed some bacon. My appetite still wasn’t back. “Oh, by the way, I didn’t have any money in my account yesterday.”

Mom put a hand to her mouth. “Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I completely forgot! I’ll put some in right after you leave.”

“Thanks, mom.” I started eating. I had never been a huge fan of breakfast but this morning sucked away any joy I might have gotten out of the meal. I’m serious when I say my greatest wish at that moment was just to crawl in bed and stare at the ceiling for the rest of the day.

“Jack, your mom mentioned you might be having some…concerns about a girl?” I looked at my dad, surprised. He was always there for us but rarely did he bring up one of our problems, preferring to let us decide if they were important enough to take up with him.

“Yeah?”

“Is this Kayla from next door?”

That was just fucking spooky. “How did you…?” I started.

“Lucky guess,” he grinned, “Besides, you didn’t go gaga for any girls last year and she’s the only one I could think of that A) is brand new and B) is pretty enough to make you the Glum Gremlin.”

My mouth twitched. “Doesn’t matter what I think now. She has a boyfriend.”

“She’s already with Craig?” my mom said, astonished. I nodded. “He works fast.”

“More like he works bullshit. I could have done the same thing he did if I were more of an asshole,” I growled.

They ignored my swearing, thankfully. “Jack, do you want to date this girl?” dad asked bluntly

I gaped at him before finally stammering, “Uh…y…yeah…yeah, I do.”

“Why?”

It was a question for which the answer seemed so obvious and yet so hard to put into words. “Because…she’s sweet and funny and not a bitch like—”

“Language, Jack,” my mom snapped.

“Sorry, mom. She’s a good person.”

“That’s wonderful, son,” dad said, patting my arm, “What’s her favorite color?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“Does she like sports?”

“I don’t know.”

“What does she like?”

I thought hard. She could trade sarcasm with me as good as dad or mom could, but that wasn’t necessarily something she liked. She liked…hair-bows. And she liked…that I was nice to her. Holy crap, I didn’t know anything she liked.

My silence was enough answer for dad. “I thought so. Jack, if you’re going to date this girl, learn something about her first. I doubt that Craig Carter could tell you what color her eyes are. If you’re able to tell her something about her that even she didn’t realize then you’re going to be A-Number One.”

I chewed my bacon and didn’t say anything. He was right. He was more than right, he was a genius. I mean, yeah, pointing out that Craig was so self-centered he would probably forget her name in a couple days was a nice jab, but what he said about learning stuff about her…even better, telling her something about herself even she didn’t know. That sounded good to me.

“Thanks, Dad,” I said, noticeably cheerier than when I sat down.

And then, because apparently karma hates me, Alan and Amanda came bouncing into the room, both in unsettlingly high spirits. Maybe they had another…God, kill me…romp before coming downstairs. “Morning, everyone,” they said together.

Mom and dad greeted them cheerfully. I didn’t want to look at them. Looking at them might remind me of last night and I did not want to clue them in that I had been watching them.

“Good morning, Jack,” Amanda said to me.

I looked up at her in shock. What was this new attitude she had going on towards me? She had been taking a much larger interest in me since yesterday. Since catching me staring at Kayla. Was she trying to tease me? Pretend to be interested in me so I knew just how uninteresting I was to other females?

“I already said good morning to you,” I said.

“Not to Alan,” she said, rubbing her twin’s back.

I swallowed hard. “Good morning, Alan.” He just grunted in response.

That breakfast was one of the most uncomfortable meals for me, even including the time I had been caught looking at porn by mom when she came up to get me for dinner. Everyone else was getting along just fine but all I was seeing were two couples who were happily having sex and clearly loving every minute of it. It wasn’t the sex that got to me. It was…well…

Confession time: I wasn’t all that interested in sex. Okay, that’s kind of a lie. I was interested in sex, but I wasn’t going out of my way to get it. Honestly, what I was looking for was a relationship more than anything. I wanted…okay, I wanted love. There, you happy? I was a romantic at heart, in the sense that I wanted to have romance in my life. I wanted a girl I could talk for hours to, could go on long rides that were way too short with, could hang out with and not have to look at my watch. Yeah, sex would be the cherry on top, but that’s not what I was pining for most. I wanted my first time to mean something.

Let me put it this way: if I lost my virginity after a drunken night of partying to some random girl I would probably never see again, I’d consider getting my man downstairs removed.

“Time for school,” mom said, clapping her hands, “Chop chop!”

“New day, new ways to learn to love school,” my dad said with a goofy grin. Apparently this would not be a joke-free morning. Mom flicked his ear and he tossed her over his shoulder and spun her around, both of them roaring with laughter.

Ten minutes later, it was déjà vu time as we piled into the car and I started backing down the driveway. I was forcing my eyes to not look in the rearview mirror to make sure the Terrible Twosome was keeping their hands to themselves. What was I going to do about this? Just ignore it forever? Pretend I didn’t see anything? Should I confront them? No matter what, I wasn’t seeing a good end to this.

I saw Kayla standing at

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THE END