A Father's Unspoken Struggle with Grief and Love after a Tragic Loss

Three years later, Kerry and I were doing fine. Our move to San Diego had definitely been a big change for us, but it was a good change. I had talked to my boss and was able to make a transfer to a branch that resided close to our new home. We lived 15 minutes from the beach if we walked, and the sun was always shining. Kerry had finished up the 4th grade before we made our move and started school the following fall here in California.

Unfortunately, her crooked teeth made the need for braces. I had never heard of a 5th grader needing braces already before, and Kerry wasn’t particularly happy either. We had gotten then put on a couple weeks after school had started and the kids in her class had made fun of her and teased her. She came home from school crying and running into my arms after her first day of having them once I got home from work. I had held her tight and told her that they teased her because they were jealous that she would have such a perfect smile when she was done. That must have made her feel better, because she smiled at me and kissed me on the cheek afterwards.

Now Kerry was almost 13, and in 7th grade. The kids at school who had previously teased her now had braces of their own, and had stopped making fun of her. Irony at its finest. We were living pretty comfortably and happily. I arrived home around 6 PM on a Friday, with some big news. Kerry ran up to me as soon as she heard the door close and jumped on me to greet me.

“Daddy! You’re home!” she exclaimed happily. She had her arms locked tight around my neck with strength that I thought could cripple a bear.

“Hi baby,” I smiled as I dropped my briefcase and returned her embrace. “How was school today?”

“Mehhh, you know. Its school.” Kerry replied. “How was work?”

Our hug ended and I let her down. She smiled up at me and her eyes were as big as saucers.

“Well, I have awesome news! I got a promotion today, and I was thinking I could take you out to dinner to celebrate.”

Kerry squealed and hugged me again. “Yay Daddy! I’m so happy for you!”

“With this promotion, I’ll be making a lot more money and I will actually have Fridays off now, so I’ll be home when you get home from school. Isn’t that something?”

“That’s fantastic Daddy!”

Kerry was obviously thrilled about everything I had told her. It was so nice having a daughter who didn’t hide her love for her father. I knew that around this age, many girls began to rebel against their parents and acted snooty and differently towards their mother and father. Not Kerry. She never hesitated to show her love for me and shared everything with me, and I did the same for her. We only had each other, after all.

“Where are we going tonight Daddy?” she asked with excitement.

“Hmmm…how about you pick tonight?” I said. “I chose last time anyways.”

Kerry thought a minute and said, “Let’s go to the Ocean Treasure!” It was a popular seafood restaurant with a view of the ocean. It was the first place we ate at when we first moved to San Diego and quickly became a favorite for us. Their lobster was to die for.

I called the restaurant to make sure it wasn't booked, and we headed over. The sun was beginning to set and the ocean looked like a painting. The saltiness in the air still tickled our noses in and the seagulls were as abundant as ever. We were sat and were going over our menus when it happened. The waitress strolled over to the table to take our order.

“Hi guys!” she said, cheerfully. “My name is Sarah and I’ll be your waitress. How are you two tonight?”

Although it had been three years since her death, things that found their way into my life that reminded me of Sarah still felt like wall crashing around me. I flinched and didn’t answer the girl’s question. I looked at Kerry, finding her eyes already in mine. She reached over and put her hand on mine. It gave me the strength to look up at the girl and reply. We ordered our drinks and food and she walked away.

The rest of the evening was spent mostly in silence. Sarah’ death had affected us both severely, but the difficulty seemed to embed itself in me worse than Kerry. We made small talk throughout dinner and Kerry didn't really take her eyes off me the whole time. She knew that the waitress with the same name as her mother really bothered me and she could tell that my mind was elsewhere now.

I paid for dinner and we started walking back home. After a couple minutes of walking, Kerry slipped her hand into mine and said, “I love you Daddy. So much.”

“I love you too sweetheart.” I said back to her. “With all my heart.”

“Thank you for dinner, it was delicious. And I’m still so proud of you for getting the new position at work. You’re so amazing.”

I smiled for the first time in a couple hours and squeezed her hand. Not only was she my daughter, Kerry was my best friend as well. She was always there for me when I needed it, just like I was there for her. It was our type of father-daughter relationship that I knew was Hollywood worthy. Despite being only 12 years old, Kerry was great at making me feel better, especially after an incident like tonight.

We got home and Kerry went upstairs to finish some homework. I went to the fridge, grabbed a Heineken, and plopped down in my chair in the living room. I turned on the television to sportscenter and watched silently. The thoughts of the day soon turned into thoughts of Sarah and Kerry. My daughter had began to look so much like her mother when I first met her. They had the same brown hair, freckles, and such a sweet smile. Above all of that, they both had hearts of gold. I knew that one day, Kerry would make a lucky boy feel as loved and cared for as Sarah had done for me. As I sipped my beer, I began to dread the day that it would happen, because I knew that once she was married, she wouldn't be here with me anymore. It was a selfish thing to think, but I’m sure most fathers feel the same way about their daughters at one point: wanting happiness for them, but still never wanting them to grow up.

A little while later, I kissed Kerry goodnight, and slipped into bed. Sleep soon overtook me. The dreams I had at night were almost always the same, although they didn't happen every night. I always dreamed about a new car released on the market, engineered with a new engine I designed. My company had chosen me to do a test drive as well, and I was excited to put my work into motion, pardon the pun. During the test, I was cruising at a smooth speed and the engine was running fine. Suddenly, a car appeared before me heading towards me at a perpendicular angle and I careened into it with full force. The other car flipped over and rolled several times and I came screeching to a halt.

My head was spinning and I could feel the blood dripping down my face. Dazed, I kicked open my door and fell to the ground in pain. Looking up, I could see the other car not too far from me and I began to crawl over. With a steady and uneven pace, I made my way over to the smashed vehicle and lifted myself up using the destroyed front end of the car for leverage. Peering into the driver’s side, they laid Sarah, not moving and covered in blood.

I woke with a start and was covered in a cold sweat. My heart was pounding and I was having difficult time catching my breath. This dream never had the mercy to leave me be for more than a week at a time and it was so hard to get back to sleep after it. I laid back down and began to sob softly. I missed Sarah so much and I wondered if I’d ever be able to sleep again.

“Daddy?” A voice softly came from next to me. I looked next to me and saw Kerry standing there in her extra large shirt she slept in. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah.” I sighed, and wiped the tears from my eyes. “I just had a bad dream.”

Without saying a word, Kerry climbed into bed with me and snuggled up next to me. She laid her arm across my chest and nuzzled her face into my arm. She knew what nightmare had woken me and she knew that I wouldn't fall back asleep for a while.

"Daddy, you’re everything to me.” She whispered and kissed my shoulder. I sighed and put my hand on top of hers that was on my chest. Miraculously, I drifted back to sleep. What happened the next morning would be something I will never forget.